Surfline Man is certain that a terrible surf disaster awaits him.
When we last saw him, Surfline Man had just received an invitation to ride the world’s most perfect wave. That’s right, Surfline Man goes to the Surf Ranch and he can’t even believe it.
Surfline Man is pretty sure he’s the luckiest kid in the world right now.
The invitation to Surf Ranch came from Trey, the former vice president of marketing and sales at Elevate!, the start-up where Surfline Man tried to win over capitalism.
Of course, the startup failed and Surfline Man didn’t win capitalism.
But he found surfing, so we could all win.
Trey is not Surfline Man’s favorite person and Surfline Man is totally above all this fake tech scene.
But if Surfline Man is honest, and most of the time he is, he’ll admit he’d pretend to like just about anyone to go to the Surf Ranch.
For the past month, Surfline Man has been meticulously preparing for his big trip. Surfline Man is feeling so much pressure right now. He just has to surf better than Trey and the other tech bros. It’s like so essential to his sense of self and important things like that. Surfline Man is so good at surfing now.
He just has to prove it.
Before his big day, Surfline Man trained very hard. Abs, he must have really good abs. They help surfing so much! Surfline Man isn’t sure exactly how much good abs will help him, but he’s pretty sure he’s read something about it on the internet once.
Surfline Man has worked really hard, and if he doesn’t quite have abs, he’s not about to admit it. The abs on those magazine covers at Whole Foods are definitely photoshopped, anyway. Surfline Man is sure. There are so many lies in the world. It’s hard to follow them all.
Surfline Man has also spent way too much time obsessing over his board choices. He learned that some of the best pros surf epoxy boards at the Surf Ranch. It seems there is something about soft water and less buoyancy and all. Surfboards can get so confusing so quickly. It’s so overwhelming!
Surfline Man has no regrets about the Pyzel Ghost he impetuously purchased. But he thinks maybe he should have options.
And, let’s be real.
How crazy will he look swinging all the way to the Ranch with a quiver of planks under his arm. Very fucking rad. It’s very important with the tech bros and the vibes. Surfline Man is determined to look so pro.
Then, suddenly, it’s time to leave.
Surfline Man packs his Sprinter with great care. Just the essentials! Fresh avocados. Organic bread. A box of GoMacro bars. Emergency Organic Mac ‘n’ Cheese. Yeti soft cooler filled with his favorite Kamboucha. Rinse kit. A stack of freshly laundered towels. Surfline Man always buys organic towels. So good for the environment! New organic cover. Perfect for bringing in the beach vibe!
Surfline Man agonizes over his wetsuit selection.
He’s pretty sure his 4/3 makes him look fat, but he’d hate to be too cold to surf awesome. And Surfline Man really wants to surf awesome. Better take one of everything, he thinks. Maybe he will be lucky and it will be hot. Surfline Man always feels fabulous in his Patagonia long john. Her shoulders look so swollen.
Choice of counsel. OMG, the pressure!
Surfline Man went to three different stores and couldn’t find any epoxy surfboards. Another one of those supply chain things or something. Surfline Man decided the internet was totally lying to him and he didn’t need a stupid epoxy board anyway. He is sure he will be fine.
Still, Surfline Man bought two more boards. Surfboards! How could he resist? He loves them so much.
Surfline Man carefully slides his Pyzel Ghost, CI Happy, and CI Happy Everyday into his van. With all the tech brothers reuniting and the nerves of riding the world’s most perfect wave, Surfline Man feels like he needs all the happiness he can get.
Then he adds his goldfish from Mike the Shaper. Surfline Man is pretty sure he’s not going to ride his goldfish that Mike the Shaper made just for him at the Surf Ranch, but he sure does add to his credibility.
Surfline Man is pretty sure none of the tech bros have a perfect handmade board. Plus the resin shade looks so soft.
It would be so much more pro if all Surfline Man boards were from the same brand. But Surfline Man is determined not to let his mismatched quiver and not quite visible abs keep him awake at night.
Life is imperfect. A man can only do the best he can.
Driving north on the 5, Surfline Man begins the long ascent of the Grapevine. Right after Gorman, he stops at the Flying J and fills his Yeti mug with fresh coffee. Donuts look so good, but aware of his hard-earned abs, Surfline Man reluctantly skips the pastry. He fills the Sprinter’s gas tank and drives. It would be a shame to be late.
A sprinter van rocking like a ship at sea around turns, Surfline Man descends into the plains of the Central Valley. He read somewhere that the valley rises slightly from south to north. But he can’t even say it. Probably another lie. Surfline Man feels a moment of indecision at the junction of the 5 and the 99. The 5. He wants the 5.
Surfline Man is closing in now.
As he rushes out of Kettleman City, nerves set in for real. His hands are sweating on the steering wheel. He’s pretty sure his bio t-shirt has armpit stains right now. Ugh.
The closer Surfline Man gets to Lemoore, the more anxiety he feels. No amount of singing with Jack Johnson can make him feel any better. Surfline Man is totally scared of falling on his face or missing the barrel or getting cut on his fins.
Surfline Man is certain that a terrible surf disaster awaits him. Of course, all the brothers will totally laugh at him. He should have brought some of those CBD gummies or something. In a haze of anxiety, Surfline Man nearly missed his turn.
So there he is.
Surfline Man is at the door. Surf Ranch!
He extends his super-toned arm through the Sprinter’s window and presses the intercom button. A metallic voice asks his name. Surfline Man is so excited he can barely remember.
Trent, he blurts out.
Slowly the doors open.